Location: Glen Burnie, MD Rating: 2.9/5 Caption: There is a methadone clinic nearby. Somehow, I don”t think this guy goes there. Description: This post is a nod to the new Brookings Institute study which observes that there are now more people in the United States living in poverty in the suburbs than in the cities of America. Baltimore is no exception, and it’s hard to imagine but if the Corner were filmed today it is statistically more likely to be set off Merritt Boulevard than West Fayette.
This guy is part of that movement. Like the generation of white people fleeing integration around the time he was born he too is fleeing the city for greener pastures, looser policing, and being closer to the source of his product now that even the successful drug dealers have moved out of the city.
God bless, and as a city resident I am so happy to finally be able to share the blessing of zombies with the counties so that they can once again flee from their problems like little bitches they are, running away with their floppy wrists and girly screams from people in different socioeconomic classes, only this time ironically back into the cities (or into the exurbs if you just can’t stand the idea of living near minorities).
Location: Lombard and Light, Baltimore, MD Rating: 2.3/5 Caption: Loosey can of Miller Lite: $1.25 20 bag of Baltimore’s finest heroin: $20 Getting your dope nod on while getting the perfect tan: priceless. Description: Two things could have happened here:
1. The “No Loitering” sign put the fear of the long arm of the law in him in a way in which countless felony arrests have yet to achieve. 2. He finally found “THE” shot of heroin and ascended into heaven somewhere between pics.
Location: Colfax and Washington, Denver, CO Rating: 2.8/5 Caption: Guy was nice enough to share with his dog… Description: Amazing! This guy taught his dog to do an impression of Orb in the Preakness. Last time I blew $100 for two and a half minutes of entertainment I was on the Duke lacrosse team.
Location: North Ave & Belair Road, Baltimore, MD Rating: 3.3/5 Description: This is the double rainbow of bus bench zombies. Unfortunately, in this case the second rainbow is blocking my favorite part where the bench makes the completely valid assertion that Baltimore is in fact the greatest city in America.
People always scoff at that statement like that’s an ironic statement or something. Sure, our residents of Hollins Market area rarely live past 60, and our number of people living below the poverty line has been higher than the entire state of Maryland until about 5 years ago, but long, healthy, productive lives are not what make American cities great.
Think about it folks, what makes America great? Our education? HA! Our healthcare system? HAHAHA! How about our income equality? HAHAHAHAHA! No folks, what has and always will make America great are guns, and Baltimore has a FUCKLOAD more guns than your city.
16-years-old kid wants to shoot someone at a carryout because they wanted the $10 he had in his pocket? We have a gun for that. 14-year-old girl wants to hold up some Hispanic dudes and then shoot them in the head when they laugh because she’s so young? We have a gun for that. District 9 City Councilman want to shoot at a crowd of angry poll workers because you promised them money to work and reneged on the offer? We DEFINITELY have a gun for that (don’t we Pete?).
So Baltimore may not be the healthiest, cleanest, most hospitable city in America, but when it comes to what really makes an America great, we’re packing more than our fair share.
Location: Nick’s Seafood, Cross Street Market, Baltimore Rating: 4.6/5 Description: The hipster in me loves the Canadian tuxedo this guy is wearing, but is it still cool if he’s not wearing it ironically?
This guy kind of looks like one of the dock workers from the second season of the wire who just decided after the shoot finished 8 years ago “Fuck it, I’ll just stay here and shoot smack!”
Probably for the best, from what I could tell if were a featured character on season 2 and your character wasn’t named Frank Sobotka you never landed an acting job again anyway.
Location: RoFo at Fleet and Boston Street, Baltimore, MD Rating: 3.1/5 Caption: Just trying to rent a movie bro. Description: Ready for my horrible one liner… Looks like this guy was dealt a Royal Flush… (I can hear the groans).
Location: New York City Rating: 4.2/5 Description: This was the last picture on the camera we found in the subway. The camera’s owner was never seen again…
Location: Michael’s Craft Store, Towson, MD Rating: 4.3/5 Description: I hate it when people lurk over you in the checkout line! Oh yeah, and being creeped on by a dude drooling on the floor because he’s chock-full-o-smack is a little annoying as well.
Solid submission from our neighbors to the north in Towson, or as I call it “that town where Serial Mom was filmed”. I like the caption on this one, it shows that the submitter had their heart in the right place and asked the question we all should be asking ourselves - What Would Martha Stewart Do?:
This is one of his more upright moments, the majority of the time his knuckles were grazing the floor. I don’t think Martha Stewart would approve mixing crafting and heroin.
Location: Penn Station,New York, New York Rating: 3.2/5 Description: This guy is either acting out a Felice Brother’s song (give yourself 2 hipster-points if you get that reference), or he got smack-kicked to the head about two platforms too soon.
I always wondered that, when shooting smack in public are you aiming for instant zombie or is it like your are trying to race against time getting all the shit you need to get done before you become zombified? I could honestly see the appeal of making it a race, every day operations like picking up groceries and taking a shit would become an edge-of-the-seat cliff hanger with a “to-be-continued” ending where you don’t know if the protagonist is going to wake up snug in their bed, or starving and covered in their own feces.
I’m pretty sure this guy is probably going to get more of the later than the former, and based on his heavy lean against that post he probably won’t be waking up too far away either…
Location: UMBC Library (University of Maryland, Baltimore County) Rating: Honorable Mention Description: It appears TGOH has finally made the college scene (about damn time!) and unfortunately it wasn’t because Rebecca Martinson finally accepted the job offer (look her up, you’ll remember who I’m talking about).
This one is kind of sad because it shows a kid who apparently had enough support and influence to make it to college, but apparently not enough to realize that the only people who think it’s cool to do opiates and then hang out at the library are bums using the bathroom to drop a nasty BM.
The caption that came with it made me knock it down to an honorable mention though because it’s very possible that this person is in fact not on heroin and this is a public shaming of a former friend who didn’t share his last eighth of weed.
This long time junkie, that I am no longer friends with, had just done a bunch of opiates (pain pills, morphine, and heroin) prior to this series of events. He wanted to surprise his buddies in the study room without them noticing, but didn’t make it too far in his attempt before the opiate-induced nod took control…