That Guy's On Heroin

Location: Colfax and Washington, Denver, CORating:...

Sun, 19 May 2013 14:56:00 -0400

Location: Colfax and Washington, Denver, CO
Rating: 2.8/5
Caption: Guy was nice enough to share with his dog…
Description: Amazing! This guy taught his dog to do an impression of Orb in the Preakness. Last time I blew $100 for two and a half minutes of entertainment I was on the Duke lacrosse team.

Location: North Ave & Belair Road, Baltimore, MD Rating:...

Thu, 16 May 2013 23:10:25 -0400

Location: North Ave & Belair Road, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.3/5
Description: This is the double rainbow of bus bench zombies. Unfortunately, in this case the second rainbow is blocking my favorite part where the bench makes the completely valid assertion that Baltimore is in fact the greatest city in America.

People always scoff at that statement like that’s an ironic statement or something. Sure, our residents of Hollins Market area rarely live past 60, and our number of people living below the poverty line has been higher than the entire state of Maryland until about 5 years ago, but long, healthy, productive lives are not what make American cities great.

Think about it folks, what makes America great? Our education? HA! Our healthcare system? HAHAHA! How about our income equality? HAHAHAHAHA! No folks, what has and always will make America great are guns, and Baltimore has a FUCKLOAD more guns than your city.

16-years-old kid wants to shoot someone at a carryout because they wanted the $10 he had in his pocket? We have a gun for that. 14-year-old girl wants to hold up some Hispanic dudes and then shoot them in the head when they laugh because she’s so young? We have a gun for that. District 9 City Councilman want to shoot at a crowd of angry poll workers because you promised them money to work and reneged on the offer? We DEFINITELY have a gun for that (don’t we Pete?).

So Baltimore may not be the healthiest, cleanest, most hospitable city in America, but when it comes to what really makes an America great, we’re packing more than our fair share.

Location: Nick’s Seafood, Cross Street Market,...

Wed, 15 May 2013 23:05:32 -0400

Location: Nick’s Seafood, Cross Street Market, Baltimore
Rating: 4.6/5
Description: The hipster in me loves the Canadian tuxedo this guy is wearing, but is it still cool if he’s not wearing it ironically?

This guy kind of looks like one of the dock workers from the second season of the wire who just decided after the shoot finished 8 years ago “Fuck it, I’ll just stay here and shoot smack!”

Probably for the best, from what I could tell if were a featured character on season 2 and your character wasn’t named Frank Sobotka you never landed an acting job again anyway.

Location: RoFo at Fleet and Boston Street, Baltimore, MDRating:...

Mon, 13 May 2013 22:40:00 -0400

Location: RoFo at Fleet and Boston Street, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.1/5
Caption: Just trying to rent a movie bro.
Description: Ready for my horrible one liner… Looks like this guy was dealt a Royal Flush… (I can hear the groans).

Location: New York CityRating: 4.2/5Description: This was the...

Sun, 12 May 2013 09:00:00 -0400

Location: New York City
Rating: 4.2/5
Description: This was the last picture on the camera we found in the subway. The camera’s owner was never seen again…

Location: Michael’s Craft Store, Towson,...

Fri, 10 May 2013 23:21:19 -0400

Location: Michael’s Craft Store, Towson, MD
Rating: 4.3/5
Description: I hate it when people lurk over you in the checkout line! Oh yeah, and being creeped on by a dude drooling on the floor because he’s chock-full-o-smack is a little annoying as well.

Solid submission from our neighbors to the north in Towson, or as I call it “that town where Serial Mom was filmed”. I like the caption on this one, it shows that the submitter had their heart in the right place and asked the question we all should be asking ourselves - What Would Martha Stewart Do?:

This is one of his more upright moments, the majority of the time his knuckles were grazing the floor. I don’t think Martha Stewart would approve mixing crafting and heroin.

Location: Penn Station,New York, New...

Thu, 09 May 2013 22:01:50 -0400

Location: Penn Station,New York, New York
Rating: 3.2/5
Description: This guy is either acting out a Felice Brother’s song (give yourself 2 hipster-points if you get that reference), or he got smack-kicked to the head about two platforms too soon.

I always wondered that, when shooting smack in public are you aiming for instant zombie or is it like your are trying to race against time getting all the shit you need to get done before you become zombified? I could honestly see the appeal of making it a race, every day operations like picking up groceries and taking a shit would become an edge-of-the-seat cliff hanger with a “to-be-continued” ending where you don’t know if the protagonist is going to wake up snug in their bed, or starving and covered in their own feces.

I’m pretty sure this guy is probably going to get more of the later than the former, and based on his heavy lean against that post he probably won’t be waking up too far away either…

Location: UMBC Library (University of Maryland, Baltimore...

Wed, 08 May 2013 21:57:00 -0400

Location: UMBC Library (University of Maryland, Baltimore County)
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: It appears TGOH has finally made the college scene (about damn time!) and unfortunately it wasn’t because Rebecca Martinson finally accepted the job offer (look her up, you’ll remember who I’m talking about).

This one is kind of sad because it shows a kid who apparently had enough support and influence to make it to college, but apparently not enough to realize that the only people who think it’s cool to do opiates and then hang out at the library are bums using the bathroom to drop a nasty BM.

The caption that came with it made me knock it down to an honorable mention though because it’s very possible that this person is in fact not on heroin and this is a public shaming of a former friend who didn’t share his last eighth of weed.

This long time junkie, that I am no longer friends with, had just done a bunch of opiates (pain pills, morphine, and heroin) prior to this series of events. He wanted to surprise his buddies in the study room without them noticing, but didn’t make it too far in his attempt before the opiate-induced nod took control…

Location: Baltimore, MDRating: Honorable...

Mon, 06 May 2013 21:07:44 -0400

Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: Best… caption… ever…

I dont think they meant it like this….

Location: 2nd and E, NW, Washington, DCRating:...

Sun, 05 May 2013 13:55:46 -0400

Location: 2nd and E, NW, Washington, DC
Rating: 3.3/5
Description: Dude, it’s Sunday, you don’t have to pay.

This gem apparently was our submitter’s consolation prize for the day though, as DC has apparently stepped up it’s game. Don’t worry Baltimore, we still have the Wire.

… Because I was in dc not baltimore, I was not on zombie alert, but I had passed by a perfect 4.2-4.5 lean a block before and so I was on high alert when I came upon this gem. Obviously some assistance with the lean, which just goes to prove the dedication and resilience of Baltimorean zombies.

Location: University of Maryland Medical...

Sat, 04 May 2013 08:18:50 -0400

Location: University of Maryland Medical Campus
Rating: 2.6
Description: In most cities the guy with the cane laid out in front of the immediate care would probably be brought in by the medical workers inside and, I don’t know…. helped? In Baltimore the prevailing thought is that if this guy really needed medical attention he would have had the good sense to collapse INSIDE the medical office. Baltimore don’t revive no pussies.

The submitter understood this and sent the picture in with the following caption:

Immediate care, eh? Almost made it.

Location: E. Pratt near S. Patterson Park...

Wed, 01 May 2013 21:59:00 -0400

Location: E. Pratt near S. Patterson Park Ave
Rating: 2.4/5

Description: This one came pre-rated from the submitter, and to my surprise it was actually rated lower by him than my score…

2.1/5? Upper Fells prefers the “genteel lean.” Yeah, I checked that he was breathing.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. This “lean” is actually hilarious and the angle you took it from makes it look like the guy is in a stone recliner straight out of The Flintstones.

Location: Millington Ave, Baltimore, MDRating:...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 07:06:37 -0400

Location: Millington Ave, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.3/5
Description: Once again the caption that came with this one is better than anything I could write for the description. Short, sweet and a great title for this picture at my art show:

The Stoop Whisperer

Extra points! Now only if he were standing…

Location: E Fayette and Central, Baltimore, MDRating: Honorable...

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 16:42:12 -0400

Location: E Fayette and Central, Baltimore, MD
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: Great pic, but only an honorable mention because of the caption description:

…rush hour right near Eddie B’s Glass Door Lounge. A classy establishment by the looks of it. As traffic began to move, I saw he had a can of malt liquor resting in his lap.

Eddie B’s isn’t just any old classy establishment, it’s a full on Baltimore institution with certifiably the coldest beer in town. This claim is not made lightly in Baltimore, while we only solve 32% of our homicides, we take our adult beverage temperatures seriously, and Eddie B’s boldly claims to be the coldest. Winos from every region of Douglas Homes test this claim on a daily basis, and I’m sure this dude was just taking the temperature.

Location: Linwood and Baltimore St, Baltimore,...

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 21:17:14 -0400

Location: Linwood and Baltimore St, Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.4/5
Description: This might be the cover shot for my book of ironic bus stop zombies. Funny enough, the caption this one came with is also the running title:

Baltimore, Greatest City in America!

Location: E-train, New York, NYRating: Honorable...

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 21:29:00 -0400

Location: E-train, New York, NY
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: Only in New York…. An other one where the submitter explains it better than me:

Ok, so maybe he’s not on heroin, but its still a great pic.

Indeed. Not on heroin, but definitely ballsy enough for this blog.

Location: Baltimore, MDRating: 3.9/5Description: This gem came...

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 21:35:03 -0400

Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.9/5
Description: This gem came with the following awesome caption:

Was juuuust about to drive home but decided to have a snack first.

Took off some points for the lean against the car, but gave some back for doing it like a pimp. This lean is hardcore, most other cities would do serious snoozing like this horizontal, but Baltimore don’t roll like that and this guy is showcasing our talent nicely.

Location: Pacific Beach, San Diego, CaliforniaRating:...

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 19:52:38 -0400

Location: Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Rating: 3.1/5
Description: This comes all the way from the west coast where my readers tell the heroin isn’t worth a damn. After learning about their plight I automatically give all west coast submissions a few extra points because getting blasted on weak-junk takes extra dedication. In Baltimore I can slip in Leakin park and be smacked up for days on all the loose syringes, but in the west coast I guess it would like trying to smashed off near-beer.

Well, this guy did it… and after all that work he didn’t get the recognition I feel he deserved. The submitter sent the following caption explaining the hard times of our try-hard friend:

He is legit passed out on a railing…he was also arrested an hour later. damn heroin..

Fucking southern California, what’s wrong with doping yourself to near extinction and taking a power nap across a handrail on a beautiful day? I bet he wasn’t arrested by the cops but by the home owners association for lowering their property value.

Location: Hampden and 29th St., Baltimore, MDRating: Honorable...

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 21:47:45 -0400

Location: Hampden and 29th St., Baltimore, MD
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: Sure, Baltimore’s nursing homes aren’t as cushy as those in “functional” cities in America, but our seniors are too fuckin’ hardcore for bingo and Jello cups.

Location: Riviera Beach, MDRating: 2.2/5Description: I know what...

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 22:23:00 -0400

Location: Riviera Beach, MD
Rating: 2.2/5
Description: I know what you’re thinking…. “That guy isn’t on heroin, he just loves the smell of his own crotch.”

You’re damn right he does, but something about those sweat pants just screams out “I wear these for easy access when I shoot smack into my ballsack” so I’m going to rate him anyway. And the rating is…. horrible.