Location: Lombard and Light, Baltimore, MD Rating: 2.3/5 Caption: Loosey can of Miller Lite: $1.25 20 bag of Baltimore’s finest heroin: $20 Getting your dope nod on while getting the perfect tan: priceless. Description: Two things could have happened here:
1. The “No Loitering” sign put the fear of the long arm of the law in him in a way in which countless felony arrests have yet to achieve. 2. He finally found “THE” shot of heroin and ascended into heaven somewhere between pics.
Location: North Ave & Belair Road, Baltimore, MD Rating: 3.3/5 Description: This is the double rainbow of bus bench zombies. Unfortunately, in this case the second rainbow is blocking my favorite part where the bench makes the completely valid assertion that Baltimore is in fact the greatest city in America.
People always scoff at that statement like that’s an ironic statement or something. Sure, our residents of Hollins Market area rarely live past 60, and our number of people living below the poverty line has been higher than the entire state of Maryland until about 5 years ago, but long, healthy, productive lives are not what make American cities great.
Think about it folks, what makes America great? Our education? HA! Our healthcare system? HAHAHA! How about our income equality? HAHAHAHAHA! No folks, what has and always will make America great are guns, and Baltimore has a FUCKLOAD more guns than your city.
16-years-old kid wants to shoot someone at a carryout because they wanted the $10 he had in his pocket? We have a gun for that. 14-year-old girl wants to hold up some Hispanic dudes and then shoot them in the head when they laugh because she’s so young? We have a gun for that. District 9 City Councilman want to shoot at a crowd of angry poll workers because you promised them money to work and reneged on the offer? We DEFINITELY have a gun for that (don’t we Pete?).
So Baltimore may not be the healthiest, cleanest, most hospitable city in America, but when it comes to what really makes an America great, we’re packing more than our fair share.
Location: Nick’s Seafood, Cross Street Market, Baltimore Rating: 4.6/5 Description: The hipster in me loves the Canadian tuxedo this guy is wearing, but is it still cool if he’s not wearing it ironically?
This guy kind of looks like one of the dock workers from the second season of the wire who just decided after the shoot finished 8 years ago “Fuck it, I’ll just stay here and shoot smack!”
Probably for the best, from what I could tell if were a featured character on season 2 and your character wasn’t named Frank Sobotka you never landed an acting job again anyway.
Location: RoFo at Fleet and Boston Street, Baltimore, MD Rating: 3.1/5 Caption: Just trying to rent a movie bro. Description: Ready for my horrible one liner… Looks like this guy was dealt a Royal Flush… (I can hear the groans).
Location: Michael’s Craft Store, Towson, MD Rating: 4.3/5 Description: I hate it when people lurk over you in the checkout line! Oh yeah, and being creeped on by a dude drooling on the floor because he’s chock-full-o-smack is a little annoying as well.
Solid submission from our neighbors to the north in Towson, or as I call it “that town where Serial Mom was filmed”. I like the caption on this one, it shows that the submitter had their heart in the right place and asked the question we all should be asking ourselves - What Would Martha Stewart Do?:
This is one of his more upright moments, the majority of the time his knuckles were grazing the floor. I don’t think Martha Stewart would approve mixing crafting and heroin.
Location: E. Pratt near S. Patterson Park Ave Rating: 2.4/5
Description: This one came pre-rated from the submitter, and to my surprise it was actually rated lower by him than my score…
2.1/5? Upper Fells prefers the “genteel lean.” Yeah, I checked that he was breathing.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. This “lean” is actually hilarious and the angle you took it from makes it look like the guy is in a stone recliner straight out of The Flintstones.
Location: Millington Ave, Baltimore, MD Rating: 2.3/5 Description: Once again the caption that came with this one is better than anything I could write for the description. Short, sweet and a great title for this picture at my art show:
The Stoop Whisperer
Extra points! Now only if he were standing…
Location: E Fayette and Central, Baltimore, MD Rating: Honorable Mention Description: Great pic, but only an honorable mention because of the caption description:
…rush hour right near Eddie B’s Glass Door Lounge. A classy establishment by the looks of it. As traffic began to move, I saw he had a can of malt liquor resting in his lap.
Eddie B’s isn’t just any old classy establishment, it’s a full on Baltimore institution with certifiably the coldest beer in town. This claim is not made lightly in Baltimore, while we only solve 32% of our homicides, we take our adult beverage temperatures seriously, and Eddie B’s boldly claims to be the coldest. Winos from every region of Douglas Homes test this claim on a daily basis, and I’m sure this dude was just taking the temperature.
Location: Linwood and Baltimore St, Baltimore, MD Rating: 2.4/5 Description: This might be the cover shot for my book of ironic bus stop zombies. Funny enough, the caption this one came with is also the running title:
Baltimore, Greatest City in America!
Location: Baltimore, MD Rating: 3.9/5 Description: This gem came with the following awesome caption:
Was juuuust about to drive home but decided to have a snack first.
Took off some points for the lean against the car, but gave some back for doing it like a pimp. This lean is hardcore, most other cities would do serious snoozing like this horizontal, but Baltimore don’t roll like that and this guy is showcasing our talent nicely.